When Love Is Elusive

I'm writing a bit lately as I process some intense emotional energy because I think it's important to share the process when we're in it. In retrospect, it's easier to see how everything fell into place, and we're a bit more removed, so as much as it may be easier to see, and talk about, it loses some of the grit.

The grit is where the opportunity for growth is. I want to give insight to my process to show that we have choices we can make in the way we work through difficult situations. 

The first of which is: Do I choose to learn from this, or treat this circumstance as if it is bigger than I am? Am I going to reclaim my power, or am I allowing a person or situation to take it away? 

When it comes to matters of the heart, it's easy for ego and emotions to take the lead. Our heart is what we tend to be the most protective of...not because of how much we want to love and be loved, and share that experience, but because we fear the potential consequences: betrayal, rejection, abandonment, etc. Due to this, the importance of recognizing and calling out what we're truthfully scared of begins the process of disarming the power such fear has over us. This also reinstates our personal power because we are then able to see how we felt blinded by the fear, rather than able to manage the situation at hand.

The second part requires taking inventory. Once we identify what's coming up for us that is creating dis-ease, we can begin to make our way back into balance. I intentionally chose "dis-ease" because we are learning more and more how these energy blocks and unresolved emotions are able to manifest as physical symptoms within the body. Maybe your heart aches or you feel sick to your stomach. Tap into your intuition by asking internally what is causing the symptom, or what needs to be recognized to release what's coming up.

Now that you've established what's up, let's look back at the dynamic of the situation that triggered your reaction. I find it's helpful to identify the action that upset you, or put you off, rather than making a blanket judgment about the person because of the action. We're all human. We make mistakes. If you would like to move through this more easily, identifying the specific action that set you off tends to bring down the magnitude of the situation. Furthermore, by owning what you felt when X happened, it re-directs you from creating a blame pattern. Can you get to a place where you can narrate what happened with neutrality, and share your experience from the perspective of what you felt? When blame comes into the conversation, we tend to get defensive, and it derails us from having a productive conversation, and resolving the issue through effective communication.

Another way to call love back in is to ask yourself: What do I need? I was in a conversation earlier this week, and I had this moment when I realized there was nothing more I need to say, or to hear, to feel better. I realized I just wanted a hug, and to be held, so I asked for that, and alas, I felt a hundred times better. I was grateful for the awareness in the moment to check in with what I truly needed. What do I need or can I do in this moment to feel better? We are much more likely to arrive at a loving resolution when both parties are privy to what they need, and want to meet those needs together.

By approaching times of tension with intention, we can reduce the emotional collateral damage, and return to a loving place more quickly and with greater ease. When we look at what there is to learn, and acknowledge the deeper, underlying currents, we're more likely to arrive at a place of longer lasting resolve. 

Though it's important to keep in mind that even with the best intentions, problems arise, and issues come up. Having patience with the process and reminding ourselves of the bigger picture (ie. I love this person), we are better equipped to move forward in a positive way. When love is elusive, rather than focusing on what's missing, redirect your focus to what's necessary to bring it back. 

To recap, here are the 5 steps to come back gracefully when love feels elusive:

  1. Call out the negative emotion or fear; get the ego in check
  2. Dive deeper: What's throwing me off? What's coming up for me?
  3. Distinguish between the action and the person, then OWN your experience
  4. Ask: What do I need? What does my partner need?
  5. Acknowledge your needs + get specific with ways to fulfill them
  6. Take action (lastly, but most importantly!)

I hope these insights expand and enhance intimacy within your relationships. Here's to acting with love, generosity, and intention to deepen our relationships —